Rebuilding a person/sense of self after dismantling all your defense mechanisms is hard. Thank you for sharing because I'm not nearly so far along. You give me hope.
Old coping skills feel so easy and comfortable that I call them transparent. It's really difficult to recognize slipping into them. Mine aren't all numbing, most are pretending to be someone I'm not. I mirror people as camouflage and it's really hard to know when I'm being myself.
I'm always questioning what I'm thinking/doing against being authentic or falling into old habits. Half the time I don't even know what myself even feels like.
We read some of the same articles 🙂. I'm also tentatively looking into stoicism... It resonates with me because I already practice in in a few places in my life but didn't know it had a name. Kind of like stumbling on an article on 5 simple tricks to reduce stress and they work great but are isolated to the three situations the article discussed....then two decades later you find out there's actually a whole philosophy based on the same principles.
I'm going to check out a few of the articles you posted that I haven't read. Thanks for posting and putting them together.
I feel like, to some degree, that rebuilding always bears the marks of having been constructed from broken pieces - there are still cracks in the walls that you must patch and leaking plumbing that must be refitted and reglued, and ghosts that wander the hall and random necessary exorcisms. I personally find it comforting to read the stories from people who do not lay claim to a particularly manipulative or abusive childhood, but who have still had to grapple with life pummeling their expectations and their understanding of who they are. It allows me to feel less isolated. Abuse does shape us and break us in very unique ways, but I have found that looking for connection with people outside of abusive situations allows me to find a sense of footing in the larger world that I desperately need. Not an erasure of my pain, not a belittling of the unique wounds that come from trauma, but a sense of "I am a part of these people, out here in the world. I am one of them, even in my differences. They bleed, as I do. They grieve, as I do. They laugh and they love and they hurt." Maybe they cannot understand what its like to be paralyzed outside of a store, or to be overwhelmed by the voices in my head, maybe they don't understand the gravity that my past takes, but where I can find a point of contact, I find it a little easier to breathe.
Of course, that whole process of finding self is deeply personal, so that may not help you, but it has been helpful for me. I feel a little less isolated in a room full of people, as they say.
Camouflaging and mirroring - I'm so sorry. Not knowing who you are, being unable to identify yourself in all the masks that you wear is awful. I admire you for putting in the work to find yourself. It's no easy feat. I love reading your notes and watching you navigate this journey - you have a lot of courage. And I love your doodles 😂
Ooh - if you find any articles of interest, please pass them along!!
“I feel like, to some degree, that rebuilding always bears the marks of having been constructed from broken pieces - there are still cracks in the walls that you must patch and leaking plumbing that must be refitted and reglued, and ghosts that wander the hall and random necessary exorcisms.”
That is a perfect description. And honestly, I'd be ok with that janky haunted building…I just feel like right now all I have is a pile of stuff from Home Depot sitting in my yard and no building plans..just a crayon sketch of a house with stuff like ‘i like purple’ written on it. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.
I'm one of the people who swim against the current all the time. It's tiring and frustrating and when you see people who don't ever have to do that…it's hard. Being able to see that there are a lot of people who struggle against the current…who can actually see the river and talk about it…even if it's not the same battles I face is validating in a way that I didn't know I needed.
I'm better, more authentic, than I was 6 months ago. It is a comfort reading about people who struggle just as much as I do or worse who also keep going. Even if they have to take a break and rest, they just don't give up. For me, there's something holy in people who step out from just existing and try to actually live life, who recognize that it's not enough to breathe and move forward until you die…that the journey matters even if it's messy and painful.
life
Indeed.
Rebuilding a person/sense of self after dismantling all your defense mechanisms is hard. Thank you for sharing because I'm not nearly so far along. You give me hope.
Old coping skills feel so easy and comfortable that I call them transparent. It's really difficult to recognize slipping into them. Mine aren't all numbing, most are pretending to be someone I'm not. I mirror people as camouflage and it's really hard to know when I'm being myself.
I'm always questioning what I'm thinking/doing against being authentic or falling into old habits. Half the time I don't even know what myself even feels like.
We read some of the same articles 🙂. I'm also tentatively looking into stoicism... It resonates with me because I already practice in in a few places in my life but didn't know it had a name. Kind of like stumbling on an article on 5 simple tricks to reduce stress and they work great but are isolated to the three situations the article discussed....then two decades later you find out there's actually a whole philosophy based on the same principles.
I'm going to check out a few of the articles you posted that I haven't read. Thanks for posting and putting them together.
I feel like, to some degree, that rebuilding always bears the marks of having been constructed from broken pieces - there are still cracks in the walls that you must patch and leaking plumbing that must be refitted and reglued, and ghosts that wander the hall and random necessary exorcisms. I personally find it comforting to read the stories from people who do not lay claim to a particularly manipulative or abusive childhood, but who have still had to grapple with life pummeling their expectations and their understanding of who they are. It allows me to feel less isolated. Abuse does shape us and break us in very unique ways, but I have found that looking for connection with people outside of abusive situations allows me to find a sense of footing in the larger world that I desperately need. Not an erasure of my pain, not a belittling of the unique wounds that come from trauma, but a sense of "I am a part of these people, out here in the world. I am one of them, even in my differences. They bleed, as I do. They grieve, as I do. They laugh and they love and they hurt." Maybe they cannot understand what its like to be paralyzed outside of a store, or to be overwhelmed by the voices in my head, maybe they don't understand the gravity that my past takes, but where I can find a point of contact, I find it a little easier to breathe.
Of course, that whole process of finding self is deeply personal, so that may not help you, but it has been helpful for me. I feel a little less isolated in a room full of people, as they say.
Camouflaging and mirroring - I'm so sorry. Not knowing who you are, being unable to identify yourself in all the masks that you wear is awful. I admire you for putting in the work to find yourself. It's no easy feat. I love reading your notes and watching you navigate this journey - you have a lot of courage. And I love your doodles 😂
Ooh - if you find any articles of interest, please pass them along!!
“I feel like, to some degree, that rebuilding always bears the marks of having been constructed from broken pieces - there are still cracks in the walls that you must patch and leaking plumbing that must be refitted and reglued, and ghosts that wander the hall and random necessary exorcisms.”
That is a perfect description. And honestly, I'd be ok with that janky haunted building…I just feel like right now all I have is a pile of stuff from Home Depot sitting in my yard and no building plans..just a crayon sketch of a house with stuff like ‘i like purple’ written on it. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.
I'm one of the people who swim against the current all the time. It's tiring and frustrating and when you see people who don't ever have to do that…it's hard. Being able to see that there are a lot of people who struggle against the current…who can actually see the river and talk about it…even if it's not the same battles I face is validating in a way that I didn't know I needed.
I'm better, more authentic, than I was 6 months ago. It is a comfort reading about people who struggle just as much as I do or worse who also keep going. Even if they have to take a break and rest, they just don't give up. For me, there's something holy in people who step out from just existing and try to actually live life, who recognize that it's not enough to breathe and move forward until you die…that the journey matters even if it's messy and painful.
You're one of them and I admire you as well. ❤️